I was asked to speak recently and share my feelings and some of the lessons we've learned from River's cancer and passing. The time spent pondering and feeling and writing it out has brought a lot of healing to my heart. I am left with profound thankfulness and hope.
It's been It all
started with a Feeling: 6 years ago a
Spiritual impression came to Prepare.
Colt and I both felt that something was coming that would change our
family, a trial, and Heavenly Father in his love was giving us time to prepare
for that.
A couple of
months later we found our 8 year old daughter had stage 4 liver cancer that had
spread to her lungs. For her kind of
cancer, an acute tracer is 100,000. Hers
was 1.4 million. Overnight our life
changed. We were thrust into the world of Cancer – and she was placed on the
oncology floor at Primary Childrens, and our life would never be the same.
1st Night in the hopsital
The doctors
told us how serious this was and that she was most likely going to die. We didn’t know the path ahead, but I felt SO
strongly God was with us. We felt the
peace that passeth understanding as we decided to move forward with
chemotherapy.
I was lead
everyday to the scriptures in Mosiah chapters 23-24:
The Lord
seeth fit to chasten his people; yea he trieth their patience and their
faith. Nevertheless whosoever putteth
his TRUST in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day. They were in land Helam tilling the land–
that tells me they were going about their normal everyday life – and they were
much frightened because of the appearance of a lamanite Army. We were much frightened because of the sudden
appearance of this aggressive cancer.
But Alma exhorted them that they should not be frightened but that they
should remember the Lord their God and He would deliver them. Therefore they hushed their fears and began
to cry unto the Lord that their children might be spared. We cried mightily unto God that he would
spare our daughter. The Lord said: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort for
I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me. And I will also ease the burdens which are
put upon your shoulders; and this will I do that ye may stand as a witnesses
for me hereafter that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God do visit my
people IN their afflictions. the Lord
strengthened them that they could bear up their burdens, and they did submit
cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. The Lord then says: I WILL GO WITH THEE
I held so
TIGHT to that promise: I WILL GO WITH
THEE! I could find Him in this
Wilderness. I knew nothing about this
medical world. All of a sudden we found
ourselves in the middle of chemo and surgeries, nurses and doctors.
And I learned
When in life we are either called or find ourselves in a wilderness, God
provides amazing blessings for those who trust in Him. The Israelites with Moses were given Mana in
their wilderness, and water from a rock. The
Lord went before them to lead the way and by nigh a pillar of fire to give
them light. Lehi was given a Liahona to
guide them in the most fertile parts of the wilderness.
This
wilderness created in me a need to find heaven. To find Hope. To find Goodness. A need to seek for God and FIND him leading
us on. I would Pray in the morning: Pleading for peace, pleading for Grace to
help me to be what my daughter needed me to be that day. And the only way I could do that was with his
help.
I would pray that I wouldn’t worry about what
could happen that day. I prayed for
strength that in the moment something came up to have His help, his guidance,
his comfort. I learned in a very
personal and real way to Be Still and Know that I am God.
The days were
very challenging to watch her decline and be So sick and very weak. But I learned: As thy
days may demand, so thy succor shall be
We had Good
people to come along side and teach us from their experiences and FAITH: A special one to me was a mom whose daughter
had been through So much in the last 12 years.
She knew how hard the road was, but she knew where God was. And took me to a place in the hospital where
I could physically see the light of the temple.
The spirit whispered. Remember
your covenants. Your
family is ETERNAL. Focus on
Eternity.
In 1
Nephi as they travel in the wilderness, the Lord made the raw meat sweet unto them
and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings.
There were A
LOT of raw meat moments: Chemotherapy,
g-tube, port, a 14 hour surgery, and the recovery from that. 12 surgeries through the years. Especially raw was Watching my daughter so
weak and so sick. But the journey was also
sweet. It was filled to overflowing with
beauty. When through the deep waters I call thee to go, The rivers of
sorrow shall not thee o’erflow, For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee, thy deepest distress. (Hymn: How Firm a Foundation)
A lot of
sweetness came in River’s sweet JOY! In
her acceptance of what was her life. Her
complete trust in Heavenly Father and Her LOVE and devotion to HIM.
River reading her scriptures
River Prayed: If you can’t
take it away, then please help me enjoy it. We became seekers of Joy and we found joy
everyday. I saw her submit cheerfully and with
patience. So
many times I think we look at how we think it should be. We look at what other
people have: a healthy life, the ability to get up out of bed. She didn’t dwell on what she didn’t have. She
accepted it and she did the best that she could with what she had. River learned where much is Required, Much is
Given.
She says: Heavenly
Father is REAL!
He loves me. He
listens to my prayers And He helps me.
When River prayed she thanked God for the Blessing of Cancer. She felt God working in her through the
cancer to help her become who He knew she could become. She said Mom, It’s like I was a caterpillar
and now I’m a butterfly. One of her
favorite scriptures was 2 Timothy 4:17
…the Lord Stood with me, and Strengthened me…
She fought cancer for close to 2 years. And then there was no sign of cancer!! She made a goal when she was 8 to act in a
play. When she was 12 she was able to be
Jane in Mary Poppins. Oh, the goodness
of God to grant a little girl her wish. For
3 years she was able to swim and ride horses, hunt, fish, camp, play
tennis. God gave her and us SO many
beautiful times.
Every day felt like a gift.
Every dinner was SO special. We
were together. We were HOME. We had More up than down for 3 years.
And then…our life changed again.
River started having awful abdominal pain – It was a full YEAR of
intense pain for her. When her pain
started I found myself saying, saying to God: Don’t do this! Don’t you DARE
touch her! You can take this away! And I was ANGRY! Every day didn’t feel like a gift
anymore. It felt like a punishment. She had been so good. So faithful.
Her world got smaller and smaller.
It felt like everything was taken away – even her ability to read as she
couldn’t concentrate – the pain was too much.
She didn’t deserve this and it was SO unfair. She had already been through enough. I had my
plan. And my plan didn’t include any
more pain for my daughter. And I was not
interested in His plan.
We were building a house, and I had a plate full and overflowing
with homeschool, activities, kids, dishes, laundry...LIFE! I was TOO busy. had no
extra time to seek Heaven. It took me
several months to realize I had no desire to read my scriptures, I had no
desire to pray, I had no desire to be close to a God that would do this to my
little girl.
It took me several more months to realize the difference in my
heart. I had walked with God for years with River’s cancer: I had read my scriptures to be close to Him
and find what He was saying to me personally, I saw His hand in everything, and
fully trusted him. When I Realized what
that anger had done to me and how far I had drifted it was so shocking to my
heart. I realized I was trying to do it
all on my own and I was failing. Where
once in my hurting my heart was soft and trusting, teachable and hopeful. Now it was very hard and I could see no
light.
All of medical knowledge and medications could not find a reason
for the pain, take it away, or even dull it.
This was WAY over my head. This
was bigger than I could fix. This was
bigger than any doctor or specialist could fix.
Bigger than what could be handled on Earth. And in
the middle of all this pain, her cancer came back.
I knew that the choice to Choose Faith and to choose Trust would
make all the difference . I realized I
was not where I needed to be to feel of God’s peace. I needed to turn to God again. And again I received the feeling: Come back to me. There was an urgency: get oil in your lamp. My prayer in the beginning was for the desire
to pray. For the desire to read my
scriptures to find that relationship I had had with God before.
What I held to is what Nephi taught us: I know that he loveth his children;
nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things. I clung to that Love. He loves her. Medicine hasn’t taken this away. And God has chosen NOT to take it away. So there must be a purpose in this pain.
I
looked to others who had every reason to be bitter at the circumstances of
life: Job, Joseph Smith, Joseph in
Egypt…but they all had ultimate faith and trust in their redeemer. I was reminded of Shadrach, Meshach and
Abednego in the fiery furnace. our God whom we serve is able to deliver us. but
if not…their faith would remain strong. Faith
in God also includes faith in his timing.
I
have felt both faith and the lack of it in my own heart. Isn’t that what we came to Earth for? To Feel!
To taste the bitter so we may know the sweet. Our Heavenly Parents loved us so much that
they wanted us to be like them. To do
that we needed to learn good and evil,
light and dark, bitter and sweet, joy and sadness, because there is No Other Way. And the only way to learn that was
to leave God’s presence. I believe our
experiences here are tailored to our Eternal Well Being. God gives us what we need. He gives us experiences and trials to help us
grow. This life is an experience in
profound trust.
Every
time you feel the depth of sorrow and pain, it stretches your soul And the more your soul gets stretched, the
greater that capacity to love. That’s
why our Savior can love us SO deeply.
Because He has felt ultimate pain.
Alma 7:11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of
every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him
the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he
may loose the bands
of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities,
that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may
how to succor his
people according to their infirmities.
River EXPERIENCED this succor AS she was going through her
intense journey. Her journals are FULL
of faith and Of Prayers written out and how God answered them and the feelings
of peace, Love, closeness, strength and spirit.
She truly was never left alone, because she always reached up. She was given strength beyond her own.
I’ve been pondering why such a small girl could have such a big
impact on everyone she ever came in contact with. It was because she was sick. It was because she was in pain. She learned to fully trust Christ and his ability
to comfort and help her through.
I trust God loved River deeply enough to allow her to experience
pain for her eternal good. That pain in
River stretched her and in that need she turned to God. He filled her with His Love, which is the
greatest of all gifts. When His love
touched her soul, it reflected in everything she did and it touched us all, to
our very soul. We can then let that
light touch our soul and find the same trust.
That love helped her gain empathy and compassion. The
end Result of ALL of this is a unique closeness to God.
We went to
Houston, Texas to try to find a cure for her cancer. It was there that River and I found ourselves
in the hospital after 4 months of chemo and treatment. She was very very sick. President Nelson promised that April
conference would be not only memorable; it would be unforgettable. Saturday conference filled my soul with light. Sunday morning the doctors wanted to release
us to drive her the 24 hours to Primary Children’s. They couldn’t find anything wrong. They decided to do one last scan before
releasing us home. I was only able to catch
3 minutes of Sunday’s conference: Elder
Holland’s “A Perfect Brightness of Hope.”
It was a spiritual packet of light just for me before the doctors came
in to let us know there was a very large brain tumor and a dozen smaller ones
and that this was terminal.
. 
That day our
hope shifted from hope of a cure to the hope of all eternity.
Again, my
to-do-list dropped to only the essential things. prayer was my whole life. I am not enough for everything that’s been
placed before me. I was very overwhelmed
as this time with Covid I was the only parent allowed to be with her. How was I going to do this Without Colt? He gave me a blessing that the answer is
love. Just love her. And again “I will be with Thee” I felt His presence with me.
The Lord met
me where I was and lifted me there with his Grace. When we turn to him we can expect his
strength in our weakness, his enabling power to make us better IN that place. He doesn’t meet us AFTER all we can do. I believe the ALL we can do is believe in
Him. Grace is his strength made complete
in our weakness. I believe it doesn’t
matter where you are. You are already
enough for that grace. He will meet you
where you are, as you are, but he doesn’t intend to leave you there. He can transform us into the best version of
ourself for what the moment needs.
They let us
know how serious these brain tumors were and that she could pass quickly at any
time. It was a miracle River was able to
be Life Flighted from Texas to Primary Children’s and able to come HOME for 18
days. That airplane ride was sacred to
me. God taught me about
perspective. About the focus of our
lives. He lifted me above the world of doctors
and beeping monitors into the quiet peaceful sky where I was reminded She IS hIS
daughter, and he was taking her to her eternal HOME.
Christ met
the woman at her well. He met the
fishermen on the sea. He met Paul on the
road to Damascus. He met my little girl
on a dark and lonely night in her bedroom.
In the middle of the night she couldn’t sleep. She was in a lot of pain. It was dark.
She knew she was dying. As we
talked the most special feeling came upon us.
I didn’t visually see Him, but
the strength, peace, and comfort we felt left no doubt that He was there as we
sang O Savior, stay this night with
me; Behold, ’tis eventide. Oh, Savior, stay this night with me.
The Lord held my heart and taught me to focus on heaven and
how much she would LOVE it and thrive there.
Her greatest dream since she was tiny
was to be a missionary, and her patriarchal blessing makes it very clear she
has been called on a mission to the spirit world to share her faith.
River left us
with her last words being her Testimony:
She
said: I Know the Spirit World Is
Real! It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to
be melancholy. I know we’re all going to
be okay.
I saw and we’re all going to be okay in my 11 year old daughter
Silver the day that River passed into heaven.
She gave me the best example of gratitude when she said “our family in
heaven is SO happy that River joined them today! Today is her Heavenly Birthday! Can we put her birthday into heaven on our
calendar every year? Let’s make an angel
food cake, and listen to her favorite songs.
Her
birthday was A month after she passed, and it hit me like a slap in the face: I started focusing on I don’t get to see her coming
through the door everyday. I don’t get
to talk to her daily. I don’t hear her
tell me several times a day “I love you, Momma!” Every meal I count the dishes to set. How many of us are there again? And it was HARD again to continue on when one
of us was missing for every meal and everything we did.
That
continues to be my cup: She’s not here,
but I need to remember what God taught me on that airplane. It’s about what we focus on and It’s ALL
about Eternity. The only way this makes
sense is to Look up!
Here’s what I hold to now:
*Its about what you focus on.
*Don’t fill your life too busy to do the spiritual work to seek
Him.
*Christ knows how to succor me IN THIS
*My favorite scripture: 2 Nephi 2:24 all things have been done in the WISDOM of him
who knoweth all things
*Jeffrey R Holland’s words: We must constantly remind ourselves
that He is God and we are not.
I loved President Nelson’s message: There is a Healing Power in Gratitude: counting
our blessings is far better than recounting our problems
I am SO grateful that God extended her life 6 years! And the best gift of all is we have her for
eternity if we live according to that blessing.
Everyday in everyway we are building an eternal family.
Death is described in 2nd Nephi as an awful
monster. When viewed from a mortal
perspective: Death is an awful
monster. It took my daughter away from
us.
2nd Nephi 9:10 BUT O how
great the goodness of our God, who prepareth a way for
our escape from the grasp of this awful
monster; yea, that monster, death and hell, which I call the death of the body, and
also the death of the spirit.
The apostle paul Said
“O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” The awful monster of death is swallowed up in
Christ. He is victorious. We will live again. So now that only leaves the awful monster
SIN. Now that is the battle we should be
most concerned about. And it is a battle
for your soul. There is no tragedy in
death, but only in sin. But Christ has
paid for that too – as we repent and turn our lives to Him. Oh what a beautiful gift is Repentance. He will meet you where you are at as you are
as we reach out to Him.
When Enos felt forgiveness of his sins he asked "How
is it done?" The answer: Because of thy faith in Christ.
It doesn't really matter what "it" is; the answer is always the same
- faith in Christ. "It" can be building a ship, conquering a
habit, parting a sea, walking on water, resisting a temptation, healing a
relationship, or helping a daughter with cancer...How is it done?
Through Faith in Christ.
Christ
says: These things I have spoken unto
you that in me ye might have peace. In
the world ye shall have tribulation: but
be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. - John 16:33
I TRUST him with my River.
Because she is His River. I have
utmost confidence his plan for her is infinitely greater than my plan. I trust Him with my heart.
It is broken. But that’s where
Christ’s Grace comes in. That’s his
greatest JOY. To heal what is
BROKEN. To mend what we can not
fix.
The sacrament
has taken on new meaning for me. I helped
dress my daughter’s body for burial. I
see that sacrament table with the bread and water laid out on it and the white
cloth covering it…and I remember it represents His body. His sacrifice. His death.
It is right before me. Death is
always present with me because it has changed my entire world. Joseph Smith said we should study death night
and day because then we know how to live.
So I think of Christ. (Matthew 26:39)he went a little further, and fell on his face,
and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as
I will, but as thou wilt. He took of HIS cup that He might Save, Redeem and Rescue
us. With Covid we don’t put the cup back
in the tray. I hold the cup that He
didn’t pass from. It holds the bread
that is broken for me and for all of us.
This broken is enough to heal
each one of us in our brokenness. Earth Has no sorrow that heaven cannot
heal.
Your personal
struggles, your individual sorrows, pains, tribulations and infirmities of
every kind are all known to our Father in Heaven and to His Son.
My daughter dying has changed my life. I would have never chosen this. But Oh, How grateful I am for My Jesus. My burden is light through Christ. I have found rest in my soul through the
covenants we have made as an Eternal Family.
His Promises are sure. The Path
of saying goodbye was Filled and overflowing with Goodness, Mercy, and Grace
sufficient for our need. I know in whom I have
trusted. I stand as a witness that My
God hath led me through MINE afflictions.
He hath filled me with his LOVE. I’ve come through this believing in a God that
is bigger than when I went in. The scriptures have become my story: I see myself in the pages – my doubt, my
faith, my fear, my hope, my hardness, my softness, his promises, his
mercy. In the words of
River: I know we’re all going to be
okay. God shall wipe away all the tears from our eyes; and there
shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any
more pain. (Revelation 21:4)
