Coming Home

Sad and Happy...



River was able to fly with Life Flight to Primary Children’s in SLC. Texas was an amazing hospital and the team was everything I could have ever asked for. Especially her oncologist - the best doctor we could have ever asked for.

River and the wonderful Dr Steffin

I can’t begin to describe how good it was to come to our home base hospital where everything was familiar. We were on sacred ground where we had felt so much of heaven’s help over the years.

I cant begin to describe my feelings as the 2 life flight nurses entered our hospital room. They took control. They knew what to do. I had absolute confidence in them that if River needed any care they would be able to handle anything that came up. They were amazing!  

If she had flown 3 days earlier I would have not been allowed on the plane for Covid restrictions.  

We went sailing in Houston with the “sailing angels”. 

I will always think of them as River’s “flying angels” 

This was a special experience for me to have been in the thick of it all - doctors, nurses, ICU, awful monitors beeping all night long, pain, heartbreak, disappointment, nausea, medications, side effects.....

And be lifted up out of the craziness into the sky. Peace. Quiet. Sky. 

To have a view a little more like Heaven’s. 

Her ever faithful polar bear:  Mr. Carrots

It was a sweet wonderful time. River slept the entire time we were at altitude. The ascent and descent were a bit shaky but the entire cruising flight was steady and calm and peaceful. 

I knew she was in capable hands.   There was a place prepared for her at Primary Children’s. She had a room and a nurse assigned. Everything was ready. We were safely delivered.  

One life flight Nurse leading the way 

And another behind. 

River’s flying angels. 

D&C 84:88. for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up. 

My thoughts turned to heaven during this flight and River’s angels that will take her to her heavenly home. 

Contrast that with Colt’s journey home. 24+ hours driving time through snow and several car breakdowns along the way.  Gas station and hotel stops during a Covid outbreak. 4 children to transport including a potty training 3 year old. We called him during one of the potty breaks and got to see the kids. 20 minutes later I called again for a medical question...and they were at yet another potty break. 

River and I were raised above the craziness and wickedness of this world.  River will be safely delivered to heaven surrounded by her angels and family welcoming her back home.  

Alma 40:11
Now, concerning the ​​​state​ of the soul between ​​​death​ and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are ​​​taken​ ​​​home​ to that God who gave them life.

We’ve been thinking of coming home and longing for home for over 16 weeks. I love the above scripture that we are taken HOME to God.

River FaceTiming with Sisters and Ridge 

We had a miracle worked in our behalf where both Colt and I could be together with River.  In the hardest, most special conversation I've ever had, we explained to River that this time there was no cure, and she would be going home to Heaven. It was such a spiritual wonderful window when she was the most lucid I’ve seen in well over a month.  We read her Patriarchal Blessing with her. It was such a special, sacred time.   She understood. She was able to cry and feel the sorrow and also reflect and feel peace. She asked some deep questions.  She grieved to not be able to experience many of the things of life, but her greatest concern was for her siblings. And in the evening she chose "Families Can Be Together Forever" as our bedtime song and sang along. She also said the prayer thanking God.
River has always amazed me but none more than this bittersweet moment of acceptance and hope.

River will be coming home TODAY!  We will all be together at home!
There are times I feel so much peace with her passing. I am grateful she gets to go to heaven and not be in anymore pain.  And then there are times I feel so sad that she’s not going to be with us very long and we will miss her for all  future meals, vacations, Christmas... etc etc.  My heart hurts and aches terribly. My heart is joyful. My heart finds peace in Christ.  My heart is broken.  My heart is comforted.
We decided to do 5 days of radiation.   Radiologist said he wouldn’t hesitate to do this if River was his own daughter. He took the time to meet her and get to know her twice both before and after talking to us.  He felt radiation has a good chance of lessening her pain and lots of symptoms and hopefully giving her more quality of the time she has left. Radiologist's hope was that she could talk more and spend more quality time with family and friends with minimal side effects.
It was literally a 10 minute decision we had to make or that scheduling door would be closing if we didn’t grab it right then.  River chose to do it. She said she wanted to do it if it meant more time making memories and talking with sisters and Ridge.

I came home to look in my kids eyes, calm their grieving hearts and keep teaching on a new very personal level the Plan of Salvation. Letting them know River will be going to heaven. And laughter and playing and singing and snuggling and reading.
It’s been my greatest heartbreak and my greatest honor and joy to walk beside them all in this journey.

Summer helped me to make our Plan Of Salvation “map”. Each piece was carefully designed by Summer with the colors and the patterns each of significance to her. 

This is the way I taught my kids of River’s going to heaven.  (Drastically simplified here)

We lived in Heaven as Spirit sons and daughters of our Heavenly Parents in the Pre-mortal World. We learned all we could in his presence. He had a Plan of Happiness that would allow us to continue to progress, become like Him, have a fullness of Joy, and live with him eternally as families. 

We shouted for Joy at the opportunity to come to Earth. To get a body and to be tried and tested to see if we would follow God. Mortality has so many many opposites that are to bring us experience. 

Anxiety - Peace

Despair - Hope

Pain - Wholeness

Sickness - Health

Evil - Goodness

There was a veil placed to keep us from remembering our Heavenly home.

It would truly be a test if we couldn’t remember heaven. 

But there was help along the way. God would give us prophets and commandments and a Savior to show us the way and pay for our sins when we choose him and follow his commands to help us return home to God. 

Physical death is the passageway into eternity. Our physical body is laid in the ground and our spirit goes to the spirit world. One of the main things in the spirit world is the teaching of the gospel of Jesus Christ so that all souls may have the opportunity to learn for themselves and choose to embrace that or not. 

Then comes resurrection of all people because Jesus Christ loosened the bands of death. 

This perfect eternal body will not have any sickness, pain, or death. 

Following that is our Judgement day with Christ as the judge. I believe he will speak to us of how we learned to love, how we were obedient to God’s commands, and who we have become. 

Based on who we have become through Christ’s grace is which degree of glory our soul will belong to.  The highest degree is the Celestial Kingdom - the place of eternal families and living with God.   I love how summer chose a paper stating “home sweet home” 

The entire plan is JESUS

He made it possible to be saved from our sins. He has paid the price. It is not by our merits we get into the kingdom of God, but because Christ has paid our debt and we have chosen Christ. 

River with the Amazing surgeon Dr Meyers 💖

Tanzi our 6 year old tonight in our one on one time said “it’s really sad but kind of happy.
Sad and happy.”
Oh my sweet Tanzi!  It is true!  Sad that we won’t have her physically with us. But oh so happy that she will be free from pain and sorrow. She will be a missionary in the spirit world teaching through her great faith and her experiences about Christ and his gospel.  She will thrive there.  She is going to LOVE heaven and be right in her element.

Hymn #120
Lean on my ample arm,
O thou depressed!
And I will bid the storm
Cease in thy breast.
Whate’er thy lot may be
On life’s complaining sea,
If thou wilt come to me,
Thou shalt have rest.
If thou wilt come to me,
Thou shalt have rest.

2. Lift up thy tearful eyes,
Sad heart, to me;
I am the sacrifice
Offered for thee.
In me thy pain shall cease,
In me is thy release,
In me thou shalt have peace
Eternally.
In me thou shalt have peace
Eternally.

Sad and happy...

Brain Surgery A new chapter in our journey

Our world has changed. Drastically.
Friday April 3rd was the date we’ve been looking forward to for weeks as the day we would head home from Texas!!  Round 2 was officially finished on the 3rd, so we were ready to pack and finally head back to Utah!  For her to get sick enough for her to be admitted inpatient in the hospital April 2nd made it all the harder because in all of our minds we were done!!

April 2nd River and I came to the hospital for her last clinic visit, labs and CT scan. She had been throwing up for days and was really nauseous with migraines. CT scan showed an inflammation in her intestines which everyone thought it was a virus and would just run it’s course.

River was very weak and frail. And the detached and emotional state she was in we thought was a side effect of the medication she was receiving to try to control the throw up and nausea. Constant migraines could be explained by the dehydration.  And of course the abdominal pain needed to tag along too.

As I was helping River in the bathroom she collapsed. I was holding onto her so she didn’t hit her head. After that she went farther downhill. CT scan showed a large mass in her brain. Follow up MRI showed it was a tumor that was bleeding and putting a lot of pressure on her brain. It also found around 11 more smaller spots of cancer.

Colt and I then have had a full 2 days of hard conversations, asking heartbreaking questions and difficult decisions. We feel so deeply blessed to have amazing teams both at Texas children’s and Primary Children’s in SLC with drs from many different disciplines, including oncology and neurosurgery.  

We decided to do brain surgery yesterday to remove the largest tumor and hopefully relieve a lot of that pressure and side effects of that. 

The location that it is in affects verbal ability.  She was  mostly communicating with gentle head nods and shakes. Usually the words were so quiet or confused that it’s hard to make it out.  She was sleeping most of the time under the different medications to control her nausea.  The last 3 days she has been awake most of the time, probably from the steroids used to decrease the swelling. She  has been much more awake, more able to communicate with words.   But with more awareness comes more pain.

It reminds me of the scripture on opposition -  For if they never should have ​​​bitter​ they could not know the sweet — the hospital is the worst of times....and the times when I feel very close to God and so grateful for River and her life.  I see the best in people. Everyone around me is so compassionate and gives River the best of care.

With Covid only one parent can come to the hospital. Colt can’t even swap me out or come visit her. I’m the only one cleared by security to be here. The hospital is the very last place I want River to be right now with Covid-19... But how profoundly grateful I am that this is an option, this was literally life and death for her. The hospital is understaffed right now. I am so amazed by the doctors and nurses that are working so hard with both all the normal hospital stays and all the covid-19 concerns. To come take care of these kids is a special thing to be the recipient of such compassion.

 Colt was given a special exception to come to the hospital to see her before the surgery and give her a priesthood blessing. It was such a beautiful time.  Times like this the veil gets pretty thin.  We had a rare window when she was able to communicate with us. We were able to let her know they found the reason for her headaches and that the surgery would try to help with that pressure. We were able to understand her words and she understood us as well as she could.  We couldn't explain everything to her but enough for now and more when she is able.   I’ll be forever grateful for that sweet time we had together.

And now to the hardest news of all. This is extremely rare that her liver cancer has spread to the brain. This liver cancer in her brain doesn’t respond well to treatment. We’ve now moved from curative treatments to quality of life and hopefully to be able to spend some time with sisters and Ridge.

One breath. One step. One decision at a time.  These decisions will be taken one at a time depending on how she is doing and what we feel the next step should be.
River had brain surgery yesterday. It went smoothly. She was stable during the surgery. She took a long time waking up but she is able to move everything and communicate!  While still limited in ability to speak it is much more than before. They felt that they were able to get one big tumor. 

I was only able to watch a few minutes of general conference this Sunday.  I was able to catch a snippet of Elder Holland’s talk in between CT, MRI and Drs giving us the news of the tumor. It was a whirlwind.  His talk touched my soul deeply. He spoke of truth, love and hope. I am a witness that this is an Apostle of Jesus Christ. Everything he spoke about the spirit has witnessed to my spirit is true. Priesthood - the power and authority to act in the name of God is upon the Earth. And because of that power and authority Temples. Holy houses of God to seal families forever. The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and has continuing revelation today. I invite you to come, listen to an apostles words:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2020/04/media/6147245413001?lang=eng

We have cried many tears. It hurts so, so, so much because we love her so much. But we are peaceful knowing whose hands she is in and having complete trust in Christ’s ability to comfort and heal hearts. Complete trust in God’s plan. God is our loving Heavenly Father.  The weather since Sunday has matched my tears. There are rain clouds and thick fog. The raindrops are running down the window as heaven is crying with us.
Many people have mentioned our faith and how we can come through this.  We have a sure foundation in our faith. An anchor to our souls in this awful storm.

Helaman 5:12
And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

Come to Christ. He will heal your broken heart.   I have missed Colt’s presence, but have not felt alone. There is an unseen strength from heaven and the Grace of Christ. We talked with the kids starting and ending our heart to heart by singing “families can be together forever” We shed many many tears and along with the heartbreak felt peace and comfort.

Ridge was watching all of us cry and out of the blue: “Rivvy be okay. Rivvy see Jesus in the hospital.”  He and River have a special bond.  "out of the mouth of babes..."

I asked Colt before we separated and it would be just me caring for River around the clock how am I going to do brain surgery recovery without him?
He answered “love”
Just love her. 

It all comes down to love
Thank you to all our family and friends who love River so much. Thank you for your prayers and your thoughts. I would love you to share with us scriptures and thoughts that lead to God and hope. The scriptures from ancient prophets and talks from modern apostles and prophets have helped us feel close to heaven at this time.
What a special time of holding her hand. Rubbing her feet. Looking in her eyes. 

In the end.. It really is all about love...

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