Coming Home

Sad and Happy...



River was able to fly with Life Flight to Primary Children’s in SLC. Texas was an amazing hospital and the team was everything I could have ever asked for. Especially her oncologist - the best doctor we could have ever asked for.

River and the wonderful Dr Steffin

I can’t begin to describe how good it was to come to our home base hospital where everything was familiar. We were on sacred ground where we had felt so much of heaven’s help over the years.

I cant begin to describe my feelings as the 2 life flight nurses entered our hospital room. They took control. They knew what to do. I had absolute confidence in them that if River needed any care they would be able to handle anything that came up. They were amazing!  

If she had flown 3 days earlier I would have not been allowed on the plane for Covid restrictions.  

We went sailing in Houston with the “sailing angels”. 

I will always think of them as River’s “flying angels” 

This was a special experience for me to have been in the thick of it all - doctors, nurses, ICU, awful monitors beeping all night long, pain, heartbreak, disappointment, nausea, medications, side effects.....

And be lifted up out of the craziness into the sky. Peace. Quiet. Sky. 

To have a view a little more like Heaven’s. 

Her ever faithful polar bear:  Mr. Carrots

It was a sweet wonderful time. River slept the entire time we were at altitude. The ascent and descent were a bit shaky but the entire cruising flight was steady and calm and peaceful. 

I knew she was in capable hands.   There was a place prepared for her at Primary Children’s. She had a room and a nurse assigned. Everything was ready. We were safely delivered.  

One life flight Nurse leading the way 

And another behind. 

River’s flying angels. 

D&C 84:88. for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up. 

My thoughts turned to heaven during this flight and River’s angels that will take her to her heavenly home. 

Contrast that with Colt’s journey home. 24+ hours driving time through snow and several car breakdowns along the way.  Gas station and hotel stops during a Covid outbreak. 4 children to transport including a potty training 3 year old. We called him during one of the potty breaks and got to see the kids. 20 minutes later I called again for a medical question...and they were at yet another potty break. 

River and I were raised above the craziness and wickedness of this world.  River will be safely delivered to heaven surrounded by her angels and family welcoming her back home.  

Alma 40:11
Now, concerning the ​​​state​ of the soul between ​​​death​ and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are ​​​taken​ ​​​home​ to that God who gave them life.

We’ve been thinking of coming home and longing for home for over 16 weeks. I love the above scripture that we are taken HOME to God.

River FaceTiming with Sisters and Ridge 

We had a miracle worked in our behalf where both Colt and I could be together with River.  In the hardest, most special conversation I've ever had, we explained to River that this time there was no cure, and she would be going home to Heaven. It was such a spiritual wonderful window when she was the most lucid I’ve seen in well over a month.  We read her Patriarchal Blessing with her. It was such a special, sacred time.   She understood. She was able to cry and feel the sorrow and also reflect and feel peace. She asked some deep questions.  She grieved to not be able to experience many of the things of life, but her greatest concern was for her siblings. And in the evening she chose "Families Can Be Together Forever" as our bedtime song and sang along. She also said the prayer thanking God.
River has always amazed me but none more than this bittersweet moment of acceptance and hope.

River will be coming home TODAY!  We will all be together at home!
There are times I feel so much peace with her passing. I am grateful she gets to go to heaven and not be in anymore pain.  And then there are times I feel so sad that she’s not going to be with us very long and we will miss her for all  future meals, vacations, Christmas... etc etc.  My heart hurts and aches terribly. My heart is joyful. My heart finds peace in Christ.  My heart is broken.  My heart is comforted.
We decided to do 5 days of radiation.   Radiologist said he wouldn’t hesitate to do this if River was his own daughter. He took the time to meet her and get to know her twice both before and after talking to us.  He felt radiation has a good chance of lessening her pain and lots of symptoms and hopefully giving her more quality of the time she has left. Radiologist's hope was that she could talk more and spend more quality time with family and friends with minimal side effects.
It was literally a 10 minute decision we had to make or that scheduling door would be closing if we didn’t grab it right then.  River chose to do it. She said she wanted to do it if it meant more time making memories and talking with sisters and Ridge.

I came home to look in my kids eyes, calm their grieving hearts and keep teaching on a new very personal level the Plan of Salvation. Letting them know River will be going to heaven. And laughter and playing and singing and snuggling and reading.
It’s been my greatest heartbreak and my greatest honor and joy to walk beside them all in this journey.

Summer helped me to make our Plan Of Salvation “map”. Each piece was carefully designed by Summer with the colors and the patterns each of significance to her. 

This is the way I taught my kids of River’s going to heaven.  (Drastically simplified here)

We lived in Heaven as Spirit sons and daughters of our Heavenly Parents in the Pre-mortal World. We learned all we could in his presence. He had a Plan of Happiness that would allow us to continue to progress, become like Him, have a fullness of Joy, and live with him eternally as families. 

We shouted for Joy at the opportunity to come to Earth. To get a body and to be tried and tested to see if we would follow God. Mortality has so many many opposites that are to bring us experience. 

Anxiety - Peace

Despair - Hope

Pain - Wholeness

Sickness - Health

Evil - Goodness

There was a veil placed to keep us from remembering our Heavenly home.

It would truly be a test if we couldn’t remember heaven. 

But there was help along the way. God would give us prophets and commandments and a Savior to show us the way and pay for our sins when we choose him and follow his commands to help us return home to God. 

Physical death is the passageway into eternity. Our physical body is laid in the ground and our spirit goes to the spirit world. One of the main things in the spirit world is the teaching of the gospel of Jesus Christ so that all souls may have the opportunity to learn for themselves and choose to embrace that or not. 

Then comes resurrection of all people because Jesus Christ loosened the bands of death. 

This perfect eternal body will not have any sickness, pain, or death. 

Following that is our Judgement day with Christ as the judge. I believe he will speak to us of how we learned to love, how we were obedient to God’s commands, and who we have become. 

Based on who we have become through Christ’s grace is which degree of glory our soul will belong to.  The highest degree is the Celestial Kingdom - the place of eternal families and living with God.   I love how summer chose a paper stating “home sweet home” 

The entire plan is JESUS

He made it possible to be saved from our sins. He has paid the price. It is not by our merits we get into the kingdom of God, but because Christ has paid our debt and we have chosen Christ. 

River with the Amazing surgeon Dr Meyers 💖

Tanzi our 6 year old tonight in our one on one time said “it’s really sad but kind of happy.
Sad and happy.”
Oh my sweet Tanzi!  It is true!  Sad that we won’t have her physically with us. But oh so happy that she will be free from pain and sorrow. She will be a missionary in the spirit world teaching through her great faith and her experiences about Christ and his gospel.  She will thrive there.  She is going to LOVE heaven and be right in her element.

Hymn #120
Lean on my ample arm,
O thou depressed!
And I will bid the storm
Cease in thy breast.
Whate’er thy lot may be
On life’s complaining sea,
If thou wilt come to me,
Thou shalt have rest.
If thou wilt come to me,
Thou shalt have rest.

2. Lift up thy tearful eyes,
Sad heart, to me;
I am the sacrifice
Offered for thee.
In me thy pain shall cease,
In me is thy release,
In me thou shalt have peace
Eternally.
In me thou shalt have peace
Eternally.

Sad and happy...